Wednesday, 16 September 2015

So, if you listen to the podcast, then here it is: the movie pitch for a Captain Tarpals movie I have been talking about. If for some reason you are here not because of the podcast, well, in the podcast connected to this blog I thought up a Captain Tarpals fanfic movie. Now that everyone is caught up, I humbly present:

 Bombad: The Captain Tarpals Story 

 The events of the story are about 20 years before Phantom Menace. There is a tension between the Naboo and the Gungans due to Grand Army the Gungans claim to have and the fact Gungans will not open it's doors to the Naboo . Meanwhile, the old Gungan boss, Boss Banjo is about to announce his successor: a choice between his son Oboe or Banjo's younger brother Nass. Nass is popular among the older gungans and the council because he wishes to maintain the gungan isolationist policies while Oboe wishes to start allowing more outsiders in to Otoh Gunga and have a Gungan senator in the galactic senate, sentiments shared by a many Gungans. (Most of this could probably be summed up in the scrolling text at the beginning.)

 The story starts off with a young, newly promoted Lieutenant John Tarpals and his wife Tammy having having gross gungan frog breakfast and providing exposition. They talk about the succession ceremony and their thoughts on the candidates. John heads off to perform his duties as part of the OGPD (Otoh Gunga police department). He arrives to the government bubble and is assigned to the main audience chamber to guard the council and the Boss. The council is begging to pick Nass as the new Boss but Banjo has made up his mind and is picking Oboe. The council and the guards start on their way to the succession ceremony and meet up with Nass and Oboe on the way. There is a big cg animal riding scene. It's great. Everyone is happy. They reach their destination and the ceremony commences. During the ceremony, John notices a figure lurking in the shadows (I don't know how you can lurk in a giant bubble where everyone is the same race but I can't think of anything better so fuck you). He steps away from the dias to investigate as Banjo picks up an energy ball like the one from Phantom Menace (I have dubbed it the Gungan Cermony Ball). The Gungan ceremony ball explodes, killing Boss Banjo. The shadowy figure sprints away and while John wants to give chase, he runs back to the dais to help guard the survivors.

 Later, the Gungans have a funeral for Boss Banjo. It is announced that because Banjo's wishes were unknown, there would be a vote to see who is the next Boss would be. In the next scene at OGPD headquarters, Captain Bukake is giving out assignments for the election. Tarpals raises the point that many, including the captain, knew Banjo had picked Oboe to be the leader. Captain Bukake explains that it is unwise to raise objections because it could be Nass who wins the election and they could lose their jobs. Tarpals is assigned to guard Oboe with Captain Bukake. On their way to a political thing, Oboe, John, Bukake and the security detail are attacked by the assassin. The assassin manages to kill Captain Bukake, Oboe and a number of the guards. More guards show up, and facing the possibility of being overwhelmed, the assassin run. Tarpals chases him which leads to a bongo chase though the planets core. The chase end in the swamp where the assassin loses him. Tarpals tracks the Assassin to Theed.

 Upon entering Theed, the guards stop Tarpals and ask him his purpose. He explains all the shit that happened and the guards ask him if he would visit the capital building to meet with the queen and other government officials. He agrees hoping they can help with finding the killer. In the meeting, he meets with the current queen of Naboo, Stupid Dumface and a young Tanner Palpatine (I am picturing him being introduced Senator Palpatine and he would say “I am not a senator yet, your Majesty. I haven't been elected”). Queen dumbface offers the city guards to help but Palpatine suggests that the guards be kept at their posts to protect the queen and the citizens from a killer on the loose. Dumface grudgingly agrees to this, but Palpatine assures Tarpals the guards will help in any way they can and assigns him Private Panaka as a liaison and guide. He and Panaka try to deduce the the location of the assassin. The only thing they can come up with is the space port. They question the port authority who says someone had bought a small space craft earlier the day before and the officer was certain it was a fake name. Tarpals and Panaka stake out the spot.

 The pair wait until dark when they notice someone enter the space port. Sure enough, it is the assassin. Tarpals and Panaka listen as the assassin kneels and begins talking via hologram to another cloaked figure:

 Assassin: Master, please let me go and finish my work. I must ensure all the targets are dead... Sidious: No. You have bungled up your mission twice. You will go to Tatooine and from there, I will give you further instructions.
Assassin: Yes, my master.
 Sidious: The gungans will not interrupt my plans. I have forseen this. But do not take that as a sign of approval. You're work is sloppy. You have not earned the privilege of becoming my apprentice. Assassin: Forgive me, Lord Sidious. I will do whatever it takes...
Sidious: You can start by killing the two who have followed you here...

 Tarpals and Panaka step out of the shadows weapons drawn. Tarpals has his energy shield and spear drawn. The assassin throws 2 of those gungan energy balls ; 1 hits Panaka and takes him out of the fight while the other hits Tarpals' shield. The assassin draws a retractable spear like tarpals' and the two begin fighting. Part in the middle of the epic duel of the fates style fighting, the assassin loses his hood and is revealed to be a gungan (he can have sweet darth maul tattoos or something). When Tarpals asks him why he did it, the assassin states he was going to become the most powerful gungan in the universe and nothing would stop his masters plans. The fight carries on into a room filled with red laser walls because everywhere in Naboo has those. The assassin seems to have the upper hand but tarpals kicks him off into a laser wall which disintegrates any trace of him. A re conscious Panaka comes and helps Tarpals up and they walk back to the palace. 

Tarpals leaves Theed after a brief send-off from it's officials and returns to Otoh Gunga. Upon returning, he gives his report to the council and newly appointed boss Nass. When he explains that a gungan under the command of an outsider was responsible, Boss Nass becomes outraged and demands to ready the troops for war against the Naboo. Tarpals explains that the Naboo are likely not responsible and that gungans should follow Oboes lead and try to make friends with the Naboo. Boss Nass reconsiders his plans for war but decrees that the gungans will stay in isolation. For his courageous pursuit of the assassin, he is promoted to the rank of bombad Captain.

 A battered John Tarpals returns to his wife Tammy Tarpals. They have a typical gungan meal and go to bed. After all, John has work in the morning.


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